Yes, make no mistake about it. This blog is purely written for the sole purpose of me craving attention. So I made up an invisible friend for this, I call him Dave. I don't know why, but he just is a Dave:
"So how are you doing, Nanna?"
- "You want an honest answer?"
"Yes please."
- "I feel like shit."
"How come?"
- "Well, for one thing I'm too much of a chicken to tell people directly that I need for them to talk to me, instead I write a blog about it."
"Well at least you put it out there. But that can't be all?"
- "No, you're right it's not."
"What else is up?"
- "My life right now is a mess."
"How so?"
- "I live on a couch at my mom's."
"Why not at your dad's?"
- "Well, for one thing he has a whole new family up there. I don't mind them, really I don't, but it's a handful to take in. And then there's the health risk. I have asthmatic bronchitis and they all smoke up there. Everyone. Seriously. Indoors, outdoors, always."
"That is quite the bother."
- "Yes, thank you for realizing that!"
"No problem."
- "And well again, I don't mind my brother or mother either but for one thing I'm 21. I need my space. And I don't have any. I don't have a room of my own, and the only one I do sort of have is the living room, which my mom mainly hogs."
"So why not go to a friend's?"
- "I've been pondering it, but that would require of me to be social."
"Oh okay, what about your current job situation?"
- "There isn't any. Or well I... Oh fuck it, I don't feel like explaining. It'll solve anyway, I know that much."
"That's quite all right. How are you feeling now?"
- "Better. Thanks."
"Anytime :)."
- "Sometimes, you know, I just feel ignored."
"Well, people can't help you out if you don't tell them you need them."
- "True. But once in a while..."
"I know what you mean. You would just wish they'd just understand, suddenly feel your need and then call you or something."
- "Yeah. Exactly. I'm glad I have you Dave."
"Right back at you :)."
I'm lonely.
tirsdag den 12. januar 2010
søndag den 10. januar 2010
Posttraumatic Stress
Usually I keep a more personal blog/diary for these kinds of things (hinting to the title here), but I feel as if I'd explode if I don't put this "out there" somehow. I feel like "hiding in plain sight" to quote Dexter Morgan.
Before this will make sense to the common reader I have to get past this certain barrier that always hurts me to write and/or speak of but here goes: About 2 years ago I was raped. There. Now that we're past that let me remind you not to feel too sorry for me, because I don't want to be a victim. I don't feel like one in any case. It was, luckily, a one time event, the perpetrator was barely one I knew and for most part I feel like I'm past it.
Unfortunately only 'for most part'. But a so, let me be honest, brutal violation like that will probably never escape my mind completely. And I don't hope to ever forget it, that would be denying its existence and what it has done to me as a person, but I do hope I will, one day, be able to look back at it without wanting to cry.
During my regular everyday life I do not think of it one bit though. I'm lucky enough to have a bunch of good friends, a lovely boyfriend and a caring family who are all there for me. However, once in a while an event occurs that makes it impossible for me to not think of that night.
Actually I don't really think of him or the rape itself, it's the emotions, and with that the physiological responses, that come running back: The creeping fear, the unwanted shaking, the blank mind, the angst. It's actually a very interesting study in human behaviour that way, with myself as the subject: I've learned to feel sad or cry if I turn up in a situation that my head connects with that night. I'm one of Pavlovs drooling dogs.
The event that happened today was actually pretty, well, uneventful in itself. I was walking down the road because I was going to buy my mom a bit of medication for her cold. Our street is well, let's just call it split up. On one end there's housing and that part of the street is calm and lovely. The other part is full of pubs and drunks, however. Most of them nice people though, I've had several conversations with alcoholics there who just seem like nice people that made bad choices for themselves. Well anyway, that's changing the subject, but I want to give you an idea of what kind of street it is.
It's really like walking into another world as soon as you pass the first pub. You just know, instinctively, that you're out of your natural habitat. The sounds become different, the people are louder and thus you tend to tense up a bit. With you I obviously mean I.
And it was exactly as I passed that first pub it happened. I saw them from a distance. Two young men, drunk, standing outside the before mentioned pub. I could tell from the way they were talking to each other that they were in the "I'm so social, I feel like talking to anyone!"-stage of their buzz. And they had spotted me. It's an interesting feeling that one. You know something will happen but you don't feel like backing down, I didn't anyway, I didn't want to let the vibe they were sending me ruin my path to the pharmacy.
As I approached them one of them suddenly stepped out in front of me blocking my path. This, THIS exact moment, is where my mind already started thinking of escape routes. If anyone has seen the new Sherlock Holmes movie, it was exactly as when Holmes himself calculates how to punch his opponents to do the most damage with as little effort as possible. Cost-benefit analysis. I had a clear advantage because he was drunk, so I figured it would be the easiest to go for his wobbly legs, preferably in a way that would make him hit his mate, too. Then I would be able to run right past them. If I for some reason would be unable to attack, however, the door to the pub was right behind me. Too many people in there for them to want to cause a commotion.
All of that went through my mind, and much more, within nanoseconds. I was ready. I was locked on my target. But then he says: "We have a club, my mate and I." His mate giggled loudly at this. "We kidnap people. Especially people like you with black hats on!" As soon as he had uttered these words I realized they were just, as my mates call it, "drunktards". I said: "Yeah, that sure sounds awesome." as I bursted (yes bursted) right past them.
At first I didn't think much of it. I hadn't even realized all the thoughts that had crossed my mind in those few seconds. I laughed a bit thinking: "That was odd." But it didn't take long before I could feel a stream of tears trying to emerge. For a second there I felt extremely faint, but I kept walking. I just kept my goal in mind. My mom's medicine.
I considered if I had any alternative routes when I had to walk home again. I did, but I didn't want to use them. I wanted to pass them again. I didn't want them to be the boss of me. I know that they probably didn't think much of it, but I could feel that it was important to me.
So after I had picked up my mom's medicine, I walked the exact same route home again. And as I figured they were still there. As I walked past this time they shouted at me trying to make me stop: "Hey! You again! With the black hat, c'mere!" But I just kept walking in my same ol' sturdy tempo. They laughed loudly, but I was just happy they didn't follow.
And that is how something as simple as buying medicine for your mom can turn into something very eventful - for me at least. Exactly because of this I've also become way more patient with people I meet in general. Especially the angry or upset ones. I know something's wrong. And I understand their pain.
I was right though. I did defuse my inner bomb by writing this. Lovely :).
Before this will make sense to the common reader I have to get past this certain barrier that always hurts me to write and/or speak of but here goes: About 2 years ago I was raped. There. Now that we're past that let me remind you not to feel too sorry for me, because I don't want to be a victim. I don't feel like one in any case. It was, luckily, a one time event, the perpetrator was barely one I knew and for most part I feel like I'm past it.
Unfortunately only 'for most part'. But a so, let me be honest, brutal violation like that will probably never escape my mind completely. And I don't hope to ever forget it, that would be denying its existence and what it has done to me as a person, but I do hope I will, one day, be able to look back at it without wanting to cry.
During my regular everyday life I do not think of it one bit though. I'm lucky enough to have a bunch of good friends, a lovely boyfriend and a caring family who are all there for me. However, once in a while an event occurs that makes it impossible for me to not think of that night.
Actually I don't really think of him or the rape itself, it's the emotions, and with that the physiological responses, that come running back: The creeping fear, the unwanted shaking, the blank mind, the angst. It's actually a very interesting study in human behaviour that way, with myself as the subject: I've learned to feel sad or cry if I turn up in a situation that my head connects with that night. I'm one of Pavlovs drooling dogs.
The event that happened today was actually pretty, well, uneventful in itself. I was walking down the road because I was going to buy my mom a bit of medication for her cold. Our street is well, let's just call it split up. On one end there's housing and that part of the street is calm and lovely. The other part is full of pubs and drunks, however. Most of them nice people though, I've had several conversations with alcoholics there who just seem like nice people that made bad choices for themselves. Well anyway, that's changing the subject, but I want to give you an idea of what kind of street it is.
It's really like walking into another world as soon as you pass the first pub. You just know, instinctively, that you're out of your natural habitat. The sounds become different, the people are louder and thus you tend to tense up a bit. With you I obviously mean I.
And it was exactly as I passed that first pub it happened. I saw them from a distance. Two young men, drunk, standing outside the before mentioned pub. I could tell from the way they were talking to each other that they were in the "I'm so social, I feel like talking to anyone!"-stage of their buzz. And they had spotted me. It's an interesting feeling that one. You know something will happen but you don't feel like backing down, I didn't anyway, I didn't want to let the vibe they were sending me ruin my path to the pharmacy.
As I approached them one of them suddenly stepped out in front of me blocking my path. This, THIS exact moment, is where my mind already started thinking of escape routes. If anyone has seen the new Sherlock Holmes movie, it was exactly as when Holmes himself calculates how to punch his opponents to do the most damage with as little effort as possible. Cost-benefit analysis. I had a clear advantage because he was drunk, so I figured it would be the easiest to go for his wobbly legs, preferably in a way that would make him hit his mate, too. Then I would be able to run right past them. If I for some reason would be unable to attack, however, the door to the pub was right behind me. Too many people in there for them to want to cause a commotion.
All of that went through my mind, and much more, within nanoseconds. I was ready. I was locked on my target. But then he says: "We have a club, my mate and I." His mate giggled loudly at this. "We kidnap people. Especially people like you with black hats on!" As soon as he had uttered these words I realized they were just, as my mates call it, "drunktards". I said: "Yeah, that sure sounds awesome." as I bursted (yes bursted) right past them.
At first I didn't think much of it. I hadn't even realized all the thoughts that had crossed my mind in those few seconds. I laughed a bit thinking: "That was odd." But it didn't take long before I could feel a stream of tears trying to emerge. For a second there I felt extremely faint, but I kept walking. I just kept my goal in mind. My mom's medicine.
I considered if I had any alternative routes when I had to walk home again. I did, but I didn't want to use them. I wanted to pass them again. I didn't want them to be the boss of me. I know that they probably didn't think much of it, but I could feel that it was important to me.
So after I had picked up my mom's medicine, I walked the exact same route home again. And as I figured they were still there. As I walked past this time they shouted at me trying to make me stop: "Hey! You again! With the black hat, c'mere!" But I just kept walking in my same ol' sturdy tempo. They laughed loudly, but I was just happy they didn't follow.
And that is how something as simple as buying medicine for your mom can turn into something very eventful - for me at least. Exactly because of this I've also become way more patient with people I meet in general. Especially the angry or upset ones. I know something's wrong. And I understand their pain.
I was right though. I did defuse my inner bomb by writing this. Lovely :).
tirsdag den 5. januar 2010
My 10 worst quirks
We all have 'em. Quirks. And personally I find them quite entertaining. Actually I can even find my OWN quirks amusing (you know - "Haha, now I did that weird thing again, without even thinking about it"), so I guess that serves as a quirk on its own?
Anyway, I find qui- okay let me just look up a synonym for that word, hang on... Pecularity? That sounds fancy. But as I was saying - pecularities are important. THAT'S what makes you into who you really are, if you ask me. There's nothing that shows your fears and needs better than your oddnesses (I think I just made up a word there).
Freud probably loved them. I'm sure he could figure out whether you wanted to screw your mom or marry your dad through them. So as a result I ask of you to find out why I have the quirks I do (or just laugh at me when reading them, it's quite okay I put them out there). I'm not sure how I obtained them myself really, but I've accepted them as a part of me by now. How wise that is I don't know, but I figured I can't escape EVERY little momentary insanity of mine, so why not keep some and spare me some later that way - if they're constant? I don't know, but enough ramble! More weirdness! My top ten quirks (in a random order):
1) I cannot, and I mean CANNOT, touch a towel if my hands have turned into that raisiny stage they do after showering a bit too long. To me it feels like satan crept up on earth (yes it's that bad, I turn halfy religious just because of it and I'm a well-known atheist to most) just to poke my fingers with his fork or whatever the fuck it is he's running around with these days.
Actually not poke as much as forcing my nails to run down a blackboard. THAT'S how it feels. Yes, I can actually FEEL that feeling IN my fingers. UGH!
2) I love the song "Banana Phone" by Raffi. And I mean love it.
3) I'm not orderly in any way. However, things lying on tables have to be symmetrically placed. See, I don't clean my desk for example, I don't remove things from it, I just move my piles around so that they have corresponding angles in some sense. By some sense I mean that I can change my order of symmetry. Some days the lighter has to lie to the left, on other days it may have to lie in the middle. A need for control? I guess so.
4) To continue in my symmetry-theme I also have a compulsive need to change numbers if I know they can be symmetrical. This is probably quite difficult to understand, but as an expamle: If I, in a game, have an amount of money, let's say: 126 dollars, then I might suddenly get the idea that that number isn't symmetrical enough. Ergo I either have to spend some cash or gain some in order to get a better number. In this particular case I could, for instance, spend 3 dollars, so that the amount would be 123 instead. 123 is neat and nice because it follows a system, like when you count: 1, 2, 3... SEE!? MUCH BETTER! *Cough*.
To add to this I also get happy each time my watch in the bottom right side of my monitor says: 22:22 (or other such hours).
5) I prefer it (DO IT FFS!) if people write dots after their smilies if they use them to end a sentence with. Like: "Hi, hope everything's okay at your end :)." Don't ask me why but a sentence isn't complete without it. However, I don't care if it's a typical MSN-smiley. You know, the big yellow ones - an "emoticon". I only care if it's the regularly written ones like: :/, :D, :( etc. Oh and - I dislike it when people write their smilies right AFTER a word, like "Okay:)". No, it's "Okay :)." Sorry Karl. Hope you can forgive me for that one.
6)If people give me an order, I get stubborn. Most likely I will do the opposite of what they asked me to do unless it seems extremely reasonable what they said. Like "My grandmother's on fire, DO SOMETHING!" - I mean fair enough, burying a roasted body smells bad, I can see the sense in trying to put the fire out so that it'll do as little damage as possible.
However, if anyone says: "Put on a sweater, it's cold outside." - I will NOT do it. No matter if it really IS cold outside. Do not tell me what to do! ASK instead: "Maybe a sweater would be a good idea? Considering it's cold outside." Yes, okay you're probably right! See? It's not THAT hard!
7) I don't eat in front of the TV that often. But it happens. And when it does, I need to find a show that I like, or else I can't really eat. Sometimes it's been a struggle. Seriously. I've even created levels of greatness for TV-shows for this particular occassion (to ensure that I will eventually be allowed to eat).
This is how it goes down: I go through all of the channels to see what's on EVERY single one of them. Then, according to my "level of greatness"-rating, I figure out what show to watch while eating (or SHOWS sometimes - I've switched back and forth between shows before, depending on when each channel had their commercial breaks, because the shows were on the same level of greatness). However, in case the channel might fuck up or if the show ends soon, I always have a back-up.
On certain TV-dinner occassions I've even gone all the way down to "Days of Our Lives" on my list. That's FAR DOWN. Just so you know. It's even below a show like "Everybody Loves Raymond". My food was all cold by the time I got to eat, so pity me!
8) If a song gets stuck in my head, which they often do (apparently a sign that my brain is at a standstill and tries to keep itself occupied - either I'm stupid or just not very smart), I have to listen to it to get it out of there again. Preferably I have to sing along, too. This often puts me in a position where I scream the lyrics from Britney Spears' "Hit Me Baby" into my monitor (I'm looking at it to read the lyrics that I found online) as I try to forget it, usually followed by my door opening and someone popping their head in going: "BUT WHYYY!?"
9) I watch Project Runway while bashing everyone else who would ever watch a reality show. Not as much a quirk as just being a jerk, but oh well. You try to think of 10 entertaining quirks of yours!
10) Blogging. I spent over an hour writing a list of all my worst quirks.
Th-th-th-th-that's all folks (that I wanted to share with you)! Hope you enjoyed the freak show.
Anyway, I find qui- okay let me just look up a synonym for that word, hang on... Pecularity? That sounds fancy. But as I was saying - pecularities are important. THAT'S what makes you into who you really are, if you ask me. There's nothing that shows your fears and needs better than your oddnesses (I think I just made up a word there).
Freud probably loved them. I'm sure he could figure out whether you wanted to screw your mom or marry your dad through them. So as a result I ask of you to find out why I have the quirks I do (or just laugh at me when reading them, it's quite okay I put them out there). I'm not sure how I obtained them myself really, but I've accepted them as a part of me by now. How wise that is I don't know, but I figured I can't escape EVERY little momentary insanity of mine, so why not keep some and spare me some later that way - if they're constant? I don't know, but enough ramble! More weirdness! My top ten quirks (in a random order):
1) I cannot, and I mean CANNOT, touch a towel if my hands have turned into that raisiny stage they do after showering a bit too long. To me it feels like satan crept up on earth (yes it's that bad, I turn halfy religious just because of it and I'm a well-known atheist to most) just to poke my fingers with his fork or whatever the fuck it is he's running around with these days.
Actually not poke as much as forcing my nails to run down a blackboard. THAT'S how it feels. Yes, I can actually FEEL that feeling IN my fingers. UGH!
2) I love the song "Banana Phone" by Raffi. And I mean love it.
3) I'm not orderly in any way. However, things lying on tables have to be symmetrically placed. See, I don't clean my desk for example, I don't remove things from it, I just move my piles around so that they have corresponding angles in some sense. By some sense I mean that I can change my order of symmetry. Some days the lighter has to lie to the left, on other days it may have to lie in the middle. A need for control? I guess so.
4) To continue in my symmetry-theme I also have a compulsive need to change numbers if I know they can be symmetrical. This is probably quite difficult to understand, but as an expamle: If I, in a game, have an amount of money, let's say: 126 dollars, then I might suddenly get the idea that that number isn't symmetrical enough. Ergo I either have to spend some cash or gain some in order to get a better number. In this particular case I could, for instance, spend 3 dollars, so that the amount would be 123 instead. 123 is neat and nice because it follows a system, like when you count: 1, 2, 3... SEE!? MUCH BETTER! *Cough*.
To add to this I also get happy each time my watch in the bottom right side of my monitor says: 22:22 (or other such hours).
5) I prefer it (DO IT FFS!) if people write dots after their smilies if they use them to end a sentence with. Like: "Hi, hope everything's okay at your end :)." Don't ask me why but a sentence isn't complete without it. However, I don't care if it's a typical MSN-smiley. You know, the big yellow ones - an "emoticon". I only care if it's the regularly written ones like: :/, :D, :( etc. Oh and - I dislike it when people write their smilies right AFTER a word, like "Okay:)". No, it's "Okay :)." Sorry Karl. Hope you can forgive me for that one.
6)If people give me an order, I get stubborn. Most likely I will do the opposite of what they asked me to do unless it seems extremely reasonable what they said. Like "My grandmother's on fire, DO SOMETHING!" - I mean fair enough, burying a roasted body smells bad, I can see the sense in trying to put the fire out so that it'll do as little damage as possible.
However, if anyone says: "Put on a sweater, it's cold outside." - I will NOT do it. No matter if it really IS cold outside. Do not tell me what to do! ASK instead: "Maybe a sweater would be a good idea? Considering it's cold outside." Yes, okay you're probably right! See? It's not THAT hard!
7) I don't eat in front of the TV that often. But it happens. And when it does, I need to find a show that I like, or else I can't really eat. Sometimes it's been a struggle. Seriously. I've even created levels of greatness for TV-shows for this particular occassion (to ensure that I will eventually be allowed to eat).
This is how it goes down: I go through all of the channels to see what's on EVERY single one of them. Then, according to my "level of greatness"-rating, I figure out what show to watch while eating (or SHOWS sometimes - I've switched back and forth between shows before, depending on when each channel had their commercial breaks, because the shows were on the same level of greatness). However, in case the channel might fuck up or if the show ends soon, I always have a back-up.
On certain TV-dinner occassions I've even gone all the way down to "Days of Our Lives" on my list. That's FAR DOWN. Just so you know. It's even below a show like "Everybody Loves Raymond". My food was all cold by the time I got to eat, so pity me!
8) If a song gets stuck in my head, which they often do (apparently a sign that my brain is at a standstill and tries to keep itself occupied - either I'm stupid or just not very smart), I have to listen to it to get it out of there again. Preferably I have to sing along, too. This often puts me in a position where I scream the lyrics from Britney Spears' "Hit Me Baby" into my monitor (I'm looking at it to read the lyrics that I found online) as I try to forget it, usually followed by my door opening and someone popping their head in going: "BUT WHYYY!?"
9) I watch Project Runway while bashing everyone else who would ever watch a reality show. Not as much a quirk as just being a jerk, but oh well. You try to think of 10 entertaining quirks of yours!
10) Blogging. I spent over an hour writing a list of all my worst quirks.
Th-th-th-th-that's all folks (that I wanted to share with you)! Hope you enjoyed the freak show.
lørdag den 2. januar 2010
I believe an introduction is in order
My pride has been hurt badly during the last six months. I don't mean like a couple of bitch slaps, I mean as in a teeth spitting, blood spewing man in a pub brawl.
And why is this important when you look at the title of this blog? Well, because I believe in life defining moments. I've had several, even though I'm only 21 years old as I write this, but the last half year was definitely, as a whole, one of them.
I am a proud person. And one of the symptoms of that is stubborness. I don't know a lot about myself but I'm happy that I know this, even if it doesn't always serve as a good trait of mine - I'm fucking stubborn.
For most years that's been a good thing. It's made me push my way through school like a frickin' plane breaking the sound barrier resulting in very nice grades which made me seem ambitious and independent.
However, it also made me believe that that's all I am. And I've been afraid of losing that status. If I were a sim from The Sims 3 I would probaby have a "Nanna Sofie"-only trait called "Wine Taster": I tend to catch a lot of interesting scents, which make me crawl like a curious cat up to a wide variety of glasses with wine in them.
After poking each glass with my paws for a while, I pick the one that seems the sweetest, and after I've poured the almost divine-like nectar into my mouth and swirled it around for a bit I suddenly think: "This is out of my league" and I hurry to spit it back out. But not in the proper sense of discarding wine you've tasted, no, I go "BLARGH!" jump around ten million times, while waving my hands around, as the wine slowly glides down my lips and chin leaving red stains all over me. Even though it might seem like I'm doing the Hokey Pokey I'm actually scared shitless.
I'm scared shitless because I'm out of my usual habitat - I've never had wine, I usually drink sodas.
But okay enough of this silly comparison, the point is: I try out a lot of things realizing that I have to figure out what I want to do with my life. And that's all fine and dandy for the most part, it's made my life quite interesting. However, I also quickly get tired and bored with these things making me jump to a new craze of mine. But instead of asking myself WHY everything gets boring for me after a short while I try to make it part of my personality. I try to make it fit into my stubborness-project by saying: "I just won't settle for anything less than perfect."
In reality it's nothing but escapism. Or to continue in my Sims 3 theme I have "commitment issues". And yes it really is quite the bother to be stubborn enough to want to make things work while also wanting to run away. My ambivalent mind has left me with many sleepless nights.
My latest reality escape point was Sweden. Not a weird choice considering my boyfriend lives there, but I'm from Denmark so it's quite the distance. And even if you won't believe it the culture is quite different so it was a rather big change - even for me.
Sigh, it was so easy when all I needed to focus on was school. But now the mandatory school-part is over. It's all about choosing something that I have to do for the rest of my life. "Do you, Nanna Sofie, take this course as your life long partner?" - "Erh, I, uhm... My palms are sweaty?"
Or so it feels even though my studies will, at a maximum, "only" take me about 5-6 years to finish. But during the summer of 2009, after I finished my exams, I just felt like running. So I did. Right into the loving arms of my boyfriend. Not a bad place to be either, still isn't. However, my life unfortunately never wants to end like the romantic movies do. No one yells: "Cut! Perfect! We're done!" and then that's it. Things apparently seem to continue to happen even though I tell them not to.
I had to relocate, I had to move in with him and his mom until I found my own place, I had to find a JOB, I had to earn cash, I had to find an apartment I... Blargh! Just thinking about it makes me spit out my current wine again.
But it all sounded so good. On paper. Being with my boyfriend. Forever more. But besides being with him I hadn't considered what the fuck else I wanted to do. What job did I want? Did I want to study? How would I learn Swedish? How would I gain friends? Or just simply: What the fuck was my life supposed to be about?
Okay, so far this blog has been a long ramble. To get back to the introduction part of this blog that originally was the point: I'm stubborn. I really wanted to make all of those questions above work out for me. The issue was I hadn't considered them at all. And how do you make something work out when you don't know what you want with it?
Yep. Noticed my nice little reference to my last blog there? Anyway, it was good for me to burst my pride bubble. It was good for me to realize that I'm just human. I make errors like everyone else and possibly a couple more because of my impulsive nature.
But I'm trying to rethink this trait of mine. Reinvent it more like it actually. I'll now try using this stubborness for my own good instead of beating myself up about failing once in a while.
I have no doubt in my mind that I want this Sweden thing to work out, so now I'll try to focus all of my stubborn energy on all the things I want in life and how I'll make them work out BEFORE I go back to Sweden.
Hopefully the gracious and comforting lap of Denmark will help me through that.
And why is this important when you look at the title of this blog? Well, because I believe in life defining moments. I've had several, even though I'm only 21 years old as I write this, but the last half year was definitely, as a whole, one of them.
I am a proud person. And one of the symptoms of that is stubborness. I don't know a lot about myself but I'm happy that I know this, even if it doesn't always serve as a good trait of mine - I'm fucking stubborn.
For most years that's been a good thing. It's made me push my way through school like a frickin' plane breaking the sound barrier resulting in very nice grades which made me seem ambitious and independent.
However, it also made me believe that that's all I am. And I've been afraid of losing that status. If I were a sim from The Sims 3 I would probaby have a "Nanna Sofie"-only trait called "Wine Taster": I tend to catch a lot of interesting scents, which make me crawl like a curious cat up to a wide variety of glasses with wine in them.
After poking each glass with my paws for a while, I pick the one that seems the sweetest, and after I've poured the almost divine-like nectar into my mouth and swirled it around for a bit I suddenly think: "This is out of my league" and I hurry to spit it back out. But not in the proper sense of discarding wine you've tasted, no, I go "BLARGH!" jump around ten million times, while waving my hands around, as the wine slowly glides down my lips and chin leaving red stains all over me. Even though it might seem like I'm doing the Hokey Pokey I'm actually scared shitless.
I'm scared shitless because I'm out of my usual habitat - I've never had wine, I usually drink sodas.
But okay enough of this silly comparison, the point is: I try out a lot of things realizing that I have to figure out what I want to do with my life. And that's all fine and dandy for the most part, it's made my life quite interesting. However, I also quickly get tired and bored with these things making me jump to a new craze of mine. But instead of asking myself WHY everything gets boring for me after a short while I try to make it part of my personality. I try to make it fit into my stubborness-project by saying: "I just won't settle for anything less than perfect."
In reality it's nothing but escapism. Or to continue in my Sims 3 theme I have "commitment issues". And yes it really is quite the bother to be stubborn enough to want to make things work while also wanting to run away. My ambivalent mind has left me with many sleepless nights.
My latest reality escape point was Sweden. Not a weird choice considering my boyfriend lives there, but I'm from Denmark so it's quite the distance. And even if you won't believe it the culture is quite different so it was a rather big change - even for me.
Sigh, it was so easy when all I needed to focus on was school. But now the mandatory school-part is over. It's all about choosing something that I have to do for the rest of my life. "Do you, Nanna Sofie, take this course as your life long partner?" - "Erh, I, uhm... My palms are sweaty?"
Or so it feels even though my studies will, at a maximum, "only" take me about 5-6 years to finish. But during the summer of 2009, after I finished my exams, I just felt like running. So I did. Right into the loving arms of my boyfriend. Not a bad place to be either, still isn't. However, my life unfortunately never wants to end like the romantic movies do. No one yells: "Cut! Perfect! We're done!" and then that's it. Things apparently seem to continue to happen even though I tell them not to.
I had to relocate, I had to move in with him and his mom until I found my own place, I had to find a JOB, I had to earn cash, I had to find an apartment I... Blargh! Just thinking about it makes me spit out my current wine again.
But it all sounded so good. On paper. Being with my boyfriend. Forever more. But besides being with him I hadn't considered what the fuck else I wanted to do. What job did I want? Did I want to study? How would I learn Swedish? How would I gain friends? Or just simply: What the fuck was my life supposed to be about?
Okay, so far this blog has been a long ramble. To get back to the introduction part of this blog that originally was the point: I'm stubborn. I really wanted to make all of those questions above work out for me. The issue was I hadn't considered them at all. And how do you make something work out when you don't know what you want with it?
Yep. Noticed my nice little reference to my last blog there? Anyway, it was good for me to burst my pride bubble. It was good for me to realize that I'm just human. I make errors like everyone else and possibly a couple more because of my impulsive nature.
But I'm trying to rethink this trait of mine. Reinvent it more like it actually. I'll now try using this stubborness for my own good instead of beating myself up about failing once in a while.
I have no doubt in my mind that I want this Sweden thing to work out, so now I'll try to focus all of my stubborn energy on all the things I want in life and how I'll make them work out BEFORE I go back to Sweden.
Hopefully the gracious and comforting lap of Denmark will help me through that.
fredag den 1. januar 2010
The New Year
Yes. Finally a new year has arrived. A year of change, a year of possibilities, a year of ... Oh fuck it, who am I kidding? It's just yet another year.
Why is it that we people never live up to our expectations for the new year? Because we don't change just because the number on our newly bought calendar is slightly higher than last year.
It's superstituous to believe otherwise. Which makes me just that. But I'm okay with it. I accept it as one of my many human flaws.
I accept that I, for whatever reason, think that it's crucial for changing myself that I choose a symmetrical date for doing so - and what date is better than the big ol' 01/01?
And I also accept that I chose to slack the year away hoping I would somehow automatically shift gear from -5 to +30 as soon as everybody jumped down from their chairs, kissed each other and spilled champagne all over the floor because the hands on everyone's watches (assuming they were in sync) switched from 11:59 to 12:00.
This all might come out pessimistic; but it's actually not meant that way. Usually I can't stand Dr. Phil and his "Messenger sent by God" complex (and yet I have, yes, watched enough of his show to quote him), however, he is spot on when he says: "You can't change what you don't acknowledge."
So, as my first blog on this site, I'll tell you what I acknowledge:
Life is a god damned bloody struggle
(imagine me saying that in a British accent for emphasis)
And I don't care that I'm not a boney child dying in agony in the midst of Africa - I struggle too. So do you, you and you! I often hear people saying that I lack of perspective when I say that I find life hard, but I actually believe I have the perfectly right perspective.
I put myself in the center of my world. Egoistic? Fuck yeah. Realistic? Fuck yeah! Who else is better to focus on in this world than yourself? Obviously if it makes you feel better to help others, like the previously mentioned African kids, go ahead. But that is not what my life will be about. I do enjoy taking care of others, but how will I do that without focusing on my needs too? If I'm a bloody mess how on earth would I ever be capable of taking care of anyone else?
If those logics (that I lack perspective, red.) applied the insane asylums might as well open their doors and let their patients roam free. Let me elaborate: Why are people in those places? To get better and to ensure that they won't harm themselves - or others! Exactly!
So put yourself in a mental home for a while. Not necessarily a real one (depending on your mental status of course), but focus on yourself. Ask yourself what YOU need and tell yourself that it's okay to do so. And if it's too hard for you to do that then remember; it's for the "greater good".
So, to endulge a bit in my human flaws my New Year's resolution will be: To be the most egoistic son... err, daughter of a bitch (sorry mom - I love you really) that the world's ever seen! And when I'm done with that, maybe I'll be able to give you a hand.
Abonner på:
Kommentarer (Atom)
