I believe an introduction is in order

My pride has been hurt badly during the last six months. I don't mean like a couple of bitch slaps, I mean as in a teeth spitting, blood spewing man in a pub brawl.

And why is this important when you look at the title of this blog? Well, because I believe in life defining moments. I've had several, even though I'm only 21 years old as I write this, but the last half year was definitely, as a whole, one of them.

I am a proud person. And one of the symptoms of that is stubborness. I don't know a lot about myself but I'm happy that I know this, even if it doesn't always serve as a good trait of mine - I'm fucking stubborn.

For most years that's been a good thing. It's made me push my way through school like a frickin' plane breaking the sound barrier resulting in very nice grades which made me seem ambitious and independent.

However, it also made me believe that that's all I am. And I've been afraid of losing that status. If I were a sim from The Sims 3 I would probaby have a "Nanna Sofie"-only trait called "Wine Taster": I tend to catch a lot of interesting scents, which make me crawl like a curious cat up to a wide variety of glasses with wine in them.

After poking each glass with my paws for a while, I pick the one that seems the sweetest, and after I've poured the almost divine-like nectar into my mouth and swirled it around for a bit I suddenly think: "This is out of my league" and I hurry to spit it back out. But not in the proper sense of discarding wine you've tasted, no, I go "BLARGH!" jump around ten million times, while waving my hands around, as the wine slowly glides down my lips and chin leaving red stains all over me. Even though it might seem like I'm doing the Hokey Pokey I'm actually scared shitless.

I'm scared shitless because I'm out of my usual habitat - I've never had wine, I usually drink sodas.

But okay enough of this silly comparison, the point is: I try out a lot of things realizing that I have to figure out what I want to do with my life. And that's all fine and dandy for the most part, it's made my life quite interesting. However, I also quickly get tired and bored with these things making me jump to a new craze of mine. But instead of asking myself WHY everything gets boring for me after a short while I try to make it part of my personality. I try to make it fit into my stubborness-project by saying: "I just won't settle for anything less than perfect."

In reality it's nothing but escapism. Or to continue in my Sims 3 theme I have "commitment issues". And yes it really is quite the bother to be stubborn enough to want to make things work while also wanting to run away. My ambivalent mind has left me with many sleepless nights.

My latest reality escape point was Sweden. Not a weird choice considering my boyfriend lives there, but I'm from Denmark so it's quite the distance. And even if you won't believe it the culture is quite different so it was a rather big change - even for me.

Sigh, it was so easy when all I needed to focus on was school. But now the mandatory school-part is over. It's all about choosing something that I have to do for the rest of my life. "Do you, Nanna Sofie, take this course as your life long partner?" - "Erh, I, uhm... My palms are sweaty?"

Or so it feels even though my studies will, at a maximum, "only" take me about 5-6 years to finish. But during the summer of 2009, after I finished my exams, I just felt like running. So I did. Right into the loving arms of my boyfriend. Not a bad place to be either, still isn't. However, my life unfortunately never wants to end like the romantic movies do. No one yells: "Cut! Perfect! We're done!" and then that's it. Things apparently seem to continue to happen even though I tell them not to.

I had to relocate, I had to move in with him and his mom until I found my own place, I had to find a JOB, I had to earn cash, I had to find an apartment I... Blargh! Just thinking about it makes me spit out my current wine again.

But it all sounded so good. On paper. Being with my boyfriend. Forever more. But besides being with him I hadn't considered what the fuck else I wanted to do. What job did I want? Did I want to study? How would I learn Swedish? How would I gain friends? Or just simply: What the fuck was my life supposed to be about?

Okay, so far this blog has been a long ramble. To get back to the introduction part of this blog that originally was the point: I'm stubborn. I really wanted to make all of those questions above work out for me. The issue was I hadn't considered them at all. And how do you make something work out when you don't know what you want with it?

Yep. Noticed my nice little reference to my last blog there? Anyway, it was good for me to burst my pride bubble. It was good for me to realize that I'm just human. I make errors like everyone else and possibly a couple more because of my impulsive nature.

But I'm trying to rethink this trait of mine. Reinvent it more like it actually. I'll now try using this stubborness for my own good instead of beating myself up about failing once in a while.

I have no doubt in my mind that I want this Sweden thing to work out, so now I'll try to focus all of my stubborn energy on all the things I want in life and how I'll make them work out BEFORE I go back to Sweden.

Hopefully the gracious and comforting lap of Denmark will help me through that.